When to Speak Up: Teaching Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness
As children grow into their voices and identities, they start to test how they can communicate their needs. In these moments, it’s important to help them understand the difference between assertiveness vs. aggressiveness. While both may appear confident on the surface, they carry very different intentions and impacts.
At Soul Shoppe, we believe that teaching students to express themselves respectfully and clearly is essential for building inclusive classrooms and lifelong social-emotional skills. Let’s explore how to support students in speaking up, without overpowering others.
What is the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness?
Children often confuse being assertive vs. aggressive, especially when they’re learning how to stand up for themselves. At a glance, both behaviors might seem like forms of speaking boldly. But understanding the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior helps students learn how to express their needs while also showing respect for others.
| Behavior | Definition | Focus | Impact |
| Assertiveness | Clear, respectful communication of one’s thoughts and needs | Self-respect and mutual respect | Builds trust, encourages collaboration |
| Aggressiveness | Forceful, sometimes hurtful expression that violates others’ boundaries | Control or dominance | Causes fear, resistance, or conflict |
When children understand this distinction of aggressive vs. assertive communication, they can practice it in real-life scenarios, especially when things get tense.
Teaching assertiveness in the classroom
Assertiveness is a skill, and like all skills, it needs to be taught, modeled, and practiced. Here’s how to begin:
1. Define it with age-appropriate examples
Give clear, relatable examples of what being assertive sounds like:
- “Please stop, I don’t like that.”
- “I’d like a turn when you’re done.”
- “I feel left out. Can I join you?”
Contrast this with aggressive phrases:
- “Stop it now or I’ll tell!”
- “Move! That’s mine!”
- “You’re being mean!”
Helping students reflect on the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness builds both empathy and self-awareness.
2. Use role-play and scenarios
Practice makes it real. Create assertiveness vs. aggressiveness role-play activities where students choose how to respond in common social situations. Let the class reflect on how each response feels, for both the speaker and the listener.
3. Model respectful expression
Students learn what they see. When adults calmly and clearly assert themselves, especially during moments of disagreement, students learn that respect and strength can go hand in hand.
Soul Shoppe tools that support assertiveness
We integrate assertiveness training into many of our social-emotional learning resources to help students express their needs and resolve conflict peacefully.
- Peace Path: This tool walks students through conversations about feelings, needs, and boundaries in a structured way, modeling respectful dialogue.
- Peacemaker Training: Designed to give educators and students alike the tools for assertive conflict resolution, this training empowers students to become community leaders.
- Elementary SEL curriculum: A foundation for teaching emotional intelligence, empathy, and effective communication in every classroom.
Each of these resources help students develop emotional literacy, build strong relationships, and speak up from a place of calm clarity.
Activities to practice assertive communication
Use these classroom activities to reinforce assertive vs. aggressive communication:
“Say It with Respect”
Give students sticky notes with different phrases and have them identify which are assertive and which are aggressive. Then, challenge them to rephrase the aggressive ones using assertive language.
Feelings & Needs Circles
Invite students to share a time when they had a need that wasn’t met. Use sentence starters like “I felt ___ because I needed ___.” This teaches kids how to express needs directly, a key part of assertiveness.
“Voice Volume” Meter
Use a visual scale (e.g., whisper, calm voice, shout) to help students monitor how they’re communicating. This helps them associate calm, firm speech with assertiveness.
Helping students navigate emotional triggers
Often, aggressive communication is a reaction to strong emotions like anger, embarrassment, or fear. When we address the emotion underneath, we can support students in shifting from reactivity to intention.
Here’s how to support that:
- Normalize big feelings and teach calming techniques before responding (like breathing or taking a moment).
- Encourage students to notice how their body feels when they’re upset—this is the first step to choosing how to respond.
- Validate the need or feeling while guiding them to a more respectful way of expressing it.
Soul Shoppe’s Social Emotional Learning programs help students build these self-awareness muscles over time.
Why it matters: long-term benefits of assertiveness
Children who learn to be assertive without being aggressive tend to:
- Form stronger friendships
- Set healthy boundaries
- Resolve conflicts more peacefully
- Feel more confident expressing their needs
These are lifelong skills. When we make space for this kind of learning in our classrooms, we’re not just reducing conflict—we’re cultivating future leaders who lead with integrity.
Final thoughts: teaching voice and respect
Helping students navigate assertiveness vs. aggressiveness is about more than classroom behavior. It’s about giving them the tools to honor themselves and others at the same time. By practicing respectful communication, learning to manage big emotions, and embracing self-expression, students grow into thoughtful, confident communicators.
Using tools like the Peace Path and programs like Peacemaker Training, we can teach assertiveness not as dominance, but as a balanced, respectful, and empowered voice.